Subtracting Destiny

By Elka

Title: Subtract Destiny
Author: Elka
Email: [email protected]
Post Date: 01-22-00
Rating: PG13 - one naughty word. Ooh.
Part: 1/1
Distribution: The regulars.
Disclaimer: Joss is a winged godlike creature.
Spoilers: Nada.
Feedback: Moves me.
Author's Notes: This is a bit abstract and foolish, but here you go. Bit of a shocker at the end, I think. Besides, the fic'll be a little less this week because of finals and work hours changing. For my Pea, mished you schweets.

There's something wrong with both of my shift keys. I have no idea, but they aren't doing so well, I don't know if they're going to make it...

                 -----

                 "Do you believe in god?"

                 "No."

                 "Why not?"

                 "Beacuse -- so many people go through so much. Pass simple tests. Don't
                 believe in that all much."

                 "But you need something to believe in."

                 "Not me. Not what I am. I have a lot here in front of me. Beliefs are
                 nothing to us. They're just nothing."

                 "I doubt that."

                 "Don't. It's all true. You don't need something. I don't, at least. It's
                 just me.'

                 "Okay."

                 And they sat in silence. It was like he had laid things out in the open and
                 she was digesting them.

                 -----

                 "Pretty tonight."

                 "Really."

                 "How's -- everything? Your life?"

                 "Okay enough. I met a new boy."

                 "Is he like me? I mean, is he a lot different?"

                 "Not at all. He's a good guy. But so are you. To me." Pause. "I like him."

                 "Do you like me?"

                 "Yeah, but not the same. Oh, this is wasteful, you know my feelings, why ask
                 me again? When you know it'll hurt when I still feel the same?"

                 "Why do you assume I'm hurting? Maybe I'm just curious. It's not always you,
                 I'm not spending my life to love you, I have other things too. I wish you'd
                 just realise that. I love you but it's not like I'm, well, really
                 wholeheartedly into you anymore."

                 "I know. I know. Sorry."

                 "Don't say 'sorry'. It's a bad word. Just say 'I understand'."

                 'Okay. I understand."

                 "Good."

                 "I love you, too."

                 "Yeah, I know. I'm like that. I'm sensitive to that."

                 "Bullshit. You're just like me -- self-centered. Inside. You just don't show
                 anyone."

                 "Oh, well. We're a lot alike, me and you."

                 It was a joke, sort of, getting out of hand. But she meant it. And so did
                 he. They were a lot alike.

                 ------

                 "Why did we fall in love?"

                 "I don't know. Maybe it was written in the stars. Maybe we were the real
                 Romeo and Juliet, back in the really old times, in Italy."

                 "I believe that. I feel like I've known you forever."

                 "Same here."

                 "Do you really love me?"

                 "Yes. I said I did. I do."

                 "What about that guy you met? Remember?"

                 "Of course. But you're different, we're soulmates, but not in love now. This
                 is destiny, I think."

                 "Think? I know."

                 "You're too easily led. Don't believe everything."

                 "Not even this? When it's so right?"

                 "Not even."

                 "But it's in the stars."

                 "Yes. I know that."

                 "Then why--"

                 "Please. Let's just -- not. Let's just look at the stars."

                 "Yeah."

                 They argued a lot. And didn't always make a lot of sense. But with each
                 other, they knew exactly what the other meant. She loved him so much. He
                 loved her so much. Why did they hate each other too then? It was so
                 unmistakable and painful.

                 -----

                 "You're leaving, right?"

                 "In two months."

                 "Let's say goodbye now."

                 "Why?"

                 "Beacause -- it's stupid. But because if we say goodbye now, it won't hurt
                 like you're gone. You'll be here, even if we don't talk. But if we do it
                 when you go, you'll be gone and I won't be able to sleep, thinking about how
                 my life, my destiny, is gone."

                 "Oh--"

                 "Don't."

                 "I'm sorry. I love you so much."

                 "I love you more. Let's just say it, okay?"

                 "Yes. Goodbye. My -- destiny."

                 "Not now. Now we're just two stars, completely seperated and turned off.
                 Goodbye."

                 "No. It won't be like that--"

                 "It will. Goodbye. Don't call. Don't write. Let's just go on. This will have
                 been a dream."

                 "Yes."

                 "Goodbye."

                 "Bye Willow."

                 "Bye Angel."

                 He did what she said even if he didn't want to. Because it hurt so much he
                 couldn't stand up straight. But she wanted him to do what he needed, so she
                 did what hurt her. She loved him. She really, really did. Romeo and Juliet
                 and Rose and Jack and so on had nothing on them.

                 Nothing at all.

                 -----