Caged & Free

By Kylia

TITLE:  Caged and Free 
AUTHOR: Kylia  ([email protected])
DISCLAIMER: Nobody belongs to me, unfortunately. They belong to Joss & Mutant Enemy, and a few other people I don’t know.
RATING: R
SPOILERS:  General season 4 BtVS; Season 1 Angel
CATEGORY: Willow/Angelus
SUMMARY: Angelus returns.
DISTRIBUTION: Fire & Ice, WitchFanFic, anyone else, ask, and you shall receive
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This takes place During Angel’s 1st Season and BtVS 4th Season.
DEDICATION:  To Elka
**********
Los Angeles

    Angel leaned back up against the wall, deceptively calm.  He waited for the man to continue.
“Look, I, uh, I don’t know anything.”  The man stuttered.  Angel backhanded the man in one swift motion, landing him on the ground, his head crushed up against the wall.
  “Wrong answer.  Shall we try again?” He pushed his boot up against the man’s chest.
“Okay, okay. The girls, they come into the club, but they rarely return.  I don’t know where he takes them, but that’s usually the last we ever see of them.”

Angel leaned down and picked the man up, slamming him into the wall.  His head hit the hard concrete as he lost consciousness.  Angel could feel the rage within him.  It was powerful, almost overwhelming.  He wanted to kill this man.  He wanted to drain him.  He could feel his demon, caged though it was, demanding this man's blood.  It took every ounce of strength he could muster to push the demon back, into his chains.  He let the man drop and turned and walked away, leaving him behind.

*********

  Sunnydale
 

     Willow sat at her desk and sighed heavily.  She needed to get away.  She couldn’t think straight anymore.  She couldn’t feel anymore.  One day was starting to run into the next.  She hadn’t slept all the way through the night in over a month.  There had been a rash of Hellmouth activity lately and it was taking its toll on the young witch.  She had been short-tempered and extremely cranky lately, and it hadn’t gone unnoticed.  She had a three-week break from school, and had decided to take Spike’s advice.  He had suggested that she take a vacation.  She had originally rebuked such an idea, but as the days went on, she had realized that it was fast becoming a necessity.

   A knock at the door reminded Willow that she was running out of time.  She stood up and opened it, revealing Spike.
“Hey, red.  You ready?”  He asked with a smile as he walked into her dorm room.  She nodded.
“Yeah.  I am.”  She grabbed her laptop and put in its case and added it to the two bags lying on her bed.

“Spike?”  She turned to the blond vampire.
“Yes, luv?”
“Promise me you won’t tell them where I’ve gone, or even that you know.”
Spike looked at Willow for a second, thinking over her request.  Seeing her expression, he nodded.  “Alright, but you keep in touch with me.  Either call me every day, or send me an Email.”  His tone left no room for argument.  She nodded.
“Okay, then, lets hit the road!”  He picked up her bags and walked out of her room.  Willow followed him with a small smile.

********

**********

    Willow sunk into the couch and sighed.  She was tired.  The trip had been uneventful, but exhausting nonetheless.  Spike had driven her to Los Angeles for her secret vacation.  She would be spending three weeks with Cordelia. *Goddess! If Xander could see me now. * She chuckled to herself.  Willow was closer to Cordelia now that she had moved to L.A. than she had been the entire time she lived in Sunnydale. She supposed it helped that the May Queen had changed a lot over the years.  She had changed a lot just in the months since she moved to Los Angeles.  Willow couldn’t help but wonder if that was due to Angel’s influence.
 
   “So.  Tell me” Cordelia came into the living room with two mugs of hot cocoa.  She handed one to Willow and sat down in the chair across from her.
“Tell you what?”  Willow asked, feigning ignorance.  Cordelia smiled.
“Oh no you don’t.  I want to know about what’s going on in Sunnydale that has you so rattled.  You look like shit.”
Willow laughed at Cordelia’s trademark tact. “Thanks, Cor.  I appreciate it.”  She smiled, “Where to start?  Well I guess it all started back in November, when Oz left.  I told you about that, and then Spike came back, and I don’t know, some time after that things really started to get out of control.” She laughed. A hollow, empty sound. “You know, you’d think that with Riley and his commandos around the activity would be less, not more.  But no, that would be too easy.”  Willow paused as she took a sip of her cocoa and let the warmth slide down her throat.  “We’ve just had one evil after another.  From the Hellmouth almost opening to Giles becoming a demon to getting stuck in the middle of some weird hellmouthy feud between the initiative and the council.  I’m just tired you know?”  She looked to Cordelia, who was listening intently with compassion and understanding, in her eyes. “And then, I’ve been having this dreams.”
“What kind of dreams?”  Cordelia asked quietly.
“I’m not really sure.  I can never remember them when I wake up. I guess they’re more like nightmares really, but they don’t scare me.”
“Well then how do you know that they are nightmares?”  Cordelia asked curiously.  Willow shrugged.
“I don’t know.  I can’t really explain it.  They feel dark, dangerous.  But they don’t frighten me.  I don’t know. It’s probably just my crazy subconscious playing tricks on me.”  Willow looked at Cordelia for a long moment, wondering what she would say.  She hadn’t discussed her dreams with anyone except for Spike.  He hadn’t claimed to know what to tell her.  In fact he didn’t tell her anything.  He just listened.  He was a good friend.  Willow couldn’t stifle her giggle.
“What’s so funny?”  Cordelia asked with interest.
“Well, I was just sitting here thinking about how odd it is that I’ve been having these dreams for six months, and the only people I’ve told about them are you and Spike.  It doesn’t seem real.”  She laughed again, this time it was full of real humor.  Cordelia laughed with her.
“You have a point.  That is on the odd side of things, but then again, odd seems to be the name of the game, doesn’t it?”  They sat in comfortable silence for several moments before Willow broke it.
“So, tell me about you?  How are you holding up?”
“I’m good.”  Cordelia told her honestly. “It was hard at first, losing him like that, but Angel was a big help.  It was nice to have someone close who felt Doyle’s loss as much as I did.”  She smiled slightly, “And I’ve kept pretty busy.  There’s no end to the evil nasties making a home in Sunny L.A.” She grinned.
“How’s Angel?”  Willow asked.
“He’s… He’s Angel.”  She told her, unsure exactly what she could say.
“Cordelia?”  Willow asked, noticing the frown on that had appeared on Cordelia’s face.
“Well, he’s tense.  All the time.  Half the time he looks like he’s about to explode. And a couple of times, he’s lost control.  Last week…” She paused not sure if she could go on.  She looked into Willow’s eyes, and seeing her concern, continued, “Last week, he almost killed a guy.”  Her voice was a whisper.
“What?”  Willow’s voice was incredulous.  “You mean like a vampire, or a demon, or…” She trailed off when she saw Cordelia shake her head.
“No, he was a guy, a normal mortal human guy.  Okay, well maybe not normal, he was a sleaze, but still.  Angel has never lost control like that.  It was scary.  I don’t know what wrong with him. I know he hasn’t been sleeping well.  That’s part of it, but there’s something else too.  But he won’t talk about it.”

  Willow took a deep breath.  “Maybe I’ll go see him tomorrow.”  Cordelia nodded, “Yeah.  I’m sure he’d love to see you.  I didn’t tell him you were coming, since you don’t want anyone to know where you are.”  Willow smiled.
“Thank you.  I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, and letting me stay here.”  Cordelia shook her head.
“Forget it.  That’s what friends are for.  And we are friends.  Aren’t we?”
“Yes, we are.”  Willow smiled, and for the first time in a long time she felt tired enough to sleep.

*******

    Angel walked down the empty alley.  He wasn’t sure exactly what he was looking for.  He told himself that he was on a quest for information, but if he was being honest with himself, he was really hoping to run into a vampire out looking for his evening meal.  He couldn’t explain it, but he felt this rage.  It was bubbling to the surface, like a volcano ready to erupt.
   As each day of restless sleep passed, he was losing a little bit of his control.  Soon, he would have none.  A part of him desperately wanted to stop, before he went to far.  Another part of him, the part the demon controlled would relish in its loss.
   He knew he was running out of time, but he didn’t have any answers for what was happening to him.  As far as he could tell, nothing had changed, but yet something had.  He had changed, was still changing.  He had tried meditating, Thai chi, anything that would put him at peace.  Nothing worked.  He felt like he was missing some vital piece of the puzzle.  Like he had always been missing it, but only now did he realize that the was doing the wrong puzzle.

    Angel turned onto another side street, and realized he was only a block away from Cordelia’s house.  He hadn’t noticed walking there.  He had originally been on the other side of town.  He didn’t know why he would have come here at this time of night.  He had a strong desire to go up and knock on her door. He didn’t know why.  It was almost like something was calling to him, bringing him here, against his will.  It was some subconscious force.  It called to his demon, and he couldn’t understand it.  His rational side forced the urge down.  He turned and ran in the other direction, back to his own apartment.  He needed to get some sleep.  He knew that was unlikely, but he had to try.

********
Angel rolled over in his bed.  Sleep had not come, and now his exhaustion was making him irritable.  He turned to look at the clock.  It was two-forty five.  He had heard Cordelia come in several hours ago.  She hadn’t come down to see him, and he was rather grateful for it.  He was still troubled by the events of the previous night.  He didn’t know what had driven him to go to Cordelia’s house, or what it was that was calling to him.  Calling to his demon.  He knew that whatever it was, it was his demon that it beckoned. He had no doubt about that.  The fact that his demon had controlled his actions long enough for him to get to Cordelia’s troubled him.  But not as much as he would have thought.  His mind was a haze.  Nothing was clear anymore.
       There was a time when he could separate himself, and his actions.  He could tell the difference between that which he did, what he wanted to do, and that which his demon desired.  Once, he had been able to differentiate between himself, and Angelus, even though Angelus was a part of him, the opposite could not be said.
    With his soul, Angel could remember everything that Angelus had done.  He could even remember what it felt like to do those things.  The emotions were still there, although he repressed them.  As Angelus, however, he still had the memories, but the emotions, didn’t seem to carry over, at least not in the same sense.  He remembered thinking about his souled existence after he had changed, and he couldn’t feel quite the same way about the things he had done.  He could no longer feel the love he had had for Buffy.
     He hadn’t really expected to feel the same.  His soul was gone, and the demon had taken over.  But now, looking back, he realized that he should have remembered the emotion, even if he didn’t share in them any longer.  It was this realization which told him that although Angelus was still a very big part of Angel, Angel was not a big part of Angelus.
    That realization should have shocked him, terrified him even, but it didn’t.  Instead he felt a kind of relief.  He wasn’t sure why that was.  He was beyond caring though.  He had wrestled with these thoughts for far too long.  His time in Hell had provided him with the opportunity to analyze everything he had ever been, everything he had ever thought.
   He was losing control of himself, of his very soul.  His demon was breaking through its chains.  It was expressing itself through his actions.  Actions that he couldn’t always stop.  He was at a turning point.  He realized that soon, things would change.  Either his soul would win, or his demon would.
     Although, his soul screamed at him to fight the power the demon was controlling, another part of him, not controlled by the demon, welcomed the change.  He was tired of constantly fighting his darker impulses.  Tired of having to remember who he was, as well as who he had been.
   Angel hated the idea that the demon would win, and people would die, and yet, he knew that things would be different.  People would die, there was no way around that, but he would live, truly live, and not just exist.  His demon rejoiced at the thought.  There was something calling to him, something beckoning him forward.  There was no stopping it.  He would try, but the demon in him knew, he would fail.

  *******

     Willow climbed out of the Shower, just as the phone started to ring.  She opened the bathroom door, wearing only a towel.  When she reached the living room, she found Cordelia’s cordless phone floating in midair towards her.  She took the phone and laughed, “Thanks.”

“Hello?”  She said into the phone as she walked back to the bathroom to finish getting ready.

“Willow?”  Cordelia’s voice sounded from the other side of the line.
“Cor, what’s up?”  She asked cheerily.  She felt better than she had in months.
“I was just checking if you were still going to come by the office.”  There was something in Cordelia’s voice that alerted the witch.
“Yeah.  I should be there soon.  Is something wrong?”  Willow asked as she finished drying off.
“No, not really.”  Cordelia paused, “Oh, but I was going to tell you, Buffy called.”
Willow froze. “Buffy called?  Why?  Was she looking for me?”
Cordelia laughed.  “Calm down.  I don’t know why she called, she didn’t tell me.  She wanted to speak to Angel.  I think it was business.  She didn’t ask about you.  I’m sure she doesn’t know you’re here.  Hell, I’d be surprised if she even knows you’re gone.”  Cordelia laughed again.  It was no secret that there was no love loss between the former cheerleader and the slayer.

Willow breathed a sigh of relief.  “You’re probably right.  But, I’m gonna call Spike, just in case.  I’ll see you in a bit.”  She hung up the phone and finished getting dressed.

    ******

   Angel appeared in the doorway just as Cordelia hung up the phone.
“Hey.”  She said, “How’d you sleep?”  She asked, knowing he hadn’t been sleeping well.  Angel shook his head, “The same.”  He headed towards his office door. He walked in and then turned around and stepped back out.
“Any calls?”

   Cordelia smiled at her boss and started to give him a report of everything that had gone on during the day.  When she was done she paused.  Angel could tell she was trying to decide whether to tell him something.
“Is there something else?”  He asked.  Cordelia nodded.
“Yeah.  Buffy called.”  She paused, not knowing exactly how this information would effect Angel’s tense mood.
“What did she want?”  His tone was calm, somewhat indifferent.  Almost as if Cordelia had told him that some stranger had called.  She wasn’t sure if he really didn’t care, or that he was burying his emotions, as usual.
“She wanted to talk to you.  She didn’t tell me why, but it sounded like a Hellmouthy sort of deal.”

   Angel breathed a sigh of relief. In the past few months he had found himself with less, and less patience, especially where Buffy and her friends were concerned. He didn’t know exactly why that was.  But as each sleepless day passed, he found himself feeling more and more cut off from Sunnydale, and everything that went on there.  He didn’t feel comfortable talking to them.  That dull ache he had felt in his undead heart had even melted away.  He tried to call it back, just to know that he was still feeling things, but he couldn’t find it.  However, Angel realized, that it wasn’t his emotions that had been tempered, just some of the pain.  He still felt things.  He had strong feelings for Cordelia.  She was like a younger sister.  He wanted to protect her.  She was the only person from his time in Sunnydale that didn’t bring about a feeling a weariness.  Well, Cordelia, and Willow.  He missed the little hacker.  He hadn’t spoken to her in several weeks, but he knew that she was having a difficult time.  Living on the Hellmouth was difficult.  It was taking its toll on her, if what Cordelia and his errant childe told him were true.

“Angel?”  Cordelia brought him out of his thoughts.  He shook his head and turned back to the brunette.
“Sorry.  What did you tell her?”  He asked, bringing his thoughts back to Buffy’s phone call.
Cordelia grinned.  “Nothing she wanted to here.  I told her you weren’t here, but that I could take a message.”  When Angel smiled at her lie, she continued, “I didn’t think you really wanted to talk to her.”

Angel shook his head, “No, that would not be my first choice.”  Angel turned around at the sound of the front door to the office being opened.  Wesley walked in with a newspaper in his hand.

“Oh, good, you’re both here.”  He walked further into the room and set the newspaper down on Cordelia’s desk.
“Look at this.”  He pointed to a picture in the newspaper. “Another body has been found.”

*******

     Spike woke up to the sound of the telephone ringing.  He groaned.
“Yes?”  He snapped into the line.
“Is that the way you always answer the telephone, blondie?”  Willow giggled.
“Sorry, Luv.  I was sleeping.”  He stood and made his way into the kitchen.
‘Sorry, but I wanted to call you, and see what’s going on.”
“Going on, pet?”  He asked, confused.
“Yeah, Cordy said that Buffy called here.  I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t about me.”  Willow informed him as she put on her shoes.
“Not that I know of.  I haven’t spoken to her since before we left yesterday. “She called at the house?”
“No, the office.”  She told him
“She probably wanted to talk to the bloody poof.”  Spike reassured her.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.  If you hear anything, call me. I have to go.” She hung up the phone and left the house.

******

   Buffy walked into the dorm room and looked around.  She hadn’t seen Willow in two days.  She was starting to get worried.  Willow had been acting strangely in the past few months.  She hadn’t been sleeping well, but Buffy figured that was due to all the Hellmouth activity.
   When she looked at Willow’s desk, and noticed her laptop was gone, she realized that maybe Willow had gone somewhere.  *Oh well, I’ll ask the gang tonight. * She thought to herself as she got ready for her afternoon date.
   She needed a distraction.  Speaking to Cordelia always put her in a bad mood.  She didn’t know how Angel could stand to work with her.  She had wanted to ask if he had heard anything about the rash of demon activity in Sunnydale.  She had been trying to get a hold of him for over a week.  Each time she called, Cordelia would tell her he was out.  Today was no different.  She knew she had been lying.  It was barely noon when she had called.  Where would Angel have been?  She was afraid that Cordelia wasn’t giving him the messages.  “Maybe I can have Willow call.”  She thought aloud.  “Yeah, that’s what I’ll do, when I find her that is.” She smiled at her new plan of action as she finished dressing.

******

    Angel was trying to pay attention to the conversation, but his mind just wasn’t in the mood.  The latest victim hadn’t been any different than any of the others.  There was nothing new.  He knew he would have to go out hunting again that evening.  Maybe he’d be lucky.  Angel brought his attention back to Wesley, who was asking if Cordelia had had any new visions.  Angel was waiting to hear her trademark response when some thing went through him.  It was a feeling, he couldn’t quite place.  And energy that was nearby, calling to him.  It was similar to the one he had felt last night.  He concentrated on Cordelia, to see if it was her.  But it wasn’t coming from her, he was certain of it.  It was close though, and getting closer.  He heard the door to the office open, and turned around.
 
 *****
 
     Willow walked towards Angel’s office building, feeling better than she had in months.  She had slept all the way through the night.  She hadn’t had any dreams, which was strange, but she didn’t question it.  She felt good when she woke up. She felt alive, which made sense since she was alive, but she hadn't felt that way in months.
    She smiled to herself as she remembered the strange feeling, which had overcome her the previous night.  It was odd.  It was like something was reaching out, to her very soul.  It was a comfortable feeling though.  She wasn’t scared, just curious.  After the feeling had dissipated, she had felt strangely calm. * Don’t analyze it, Rosenberg, * She told herself As she shook off the memory.  She had just about convinced herself that she had imagined the whole thing when she felt it again.  She wanted to stop, to see if the feeling was real, but her legs wouldn’t obey, she was propelled forward, into Angel’s office.

  When she walked in, the feeling seemed to get stronger, it was coming to her in waves, but she couldn’t pinpoint exactly where it was coming from.
She shook it off, as she walked further into the room.  She smiled at Cordy, and then looked to Angel, trying to gauge his mood.

“Angel.”  She smiled.

*******