Solitude

By Cotti

Title: Solitude
Author: Cotti ([email protected])
Rating: R (character death, suicide)
Disclaimer: tey’re not mine. Niether are the lyrics, those are
Billie’s.
yep yep.
Note: Taking a brather from my other two fics, I came up with this,
listening to Billie and watching ‘Lady Sings the Blues’, now I’ve
written it and I’m depressed… Cheer me up with feedback please? (I’mm
addicted…)

//In my solitude
You haunt me
With dreadful ease
Of days gone by//

Willow sat on her bed, knees tucked beneath her chin, Billie Holiday
crooning through the headphones she wore, she as not to wake her
sleeping roommate. Her eyes misted with tears as she caught a glimpse
of
a photograph of Oz resting on the desk. She wanted to tear it apart,
wanted to hurt him. Hurt him like he’d hurt her. She shut her eyes
against the flood of memories. Wicked clarity of their first kiss,
their
first date, everything flashed before her all at one, so quick, but
seeming in slow motion. She began to weep silently, too selfless to
wake
her roommate with her heartache, unaware of the still figure that
watched her through the window.

//In my solitude
You taunt me
With memories
That never die//

She began to rock herself, mouthing the words. She saw him, with *her*,
their bodies close, sharing each other’s warmth in the coldness of the
tomb. For all she cared he could’ve stayed in that tomb, alive or dead.
No, that wasn’t true, it couldn’t be, because if it was then she
wouldn’t hurt like this. She wouldn’t have to feel like a vital part of
her had been ripped from her body and tossed carelessly aside.
<so this is what heart break is.> she thought. <I want to die…> her
heart stopped at the thought. She couldn’t, could she? Leave life
behind, so many things undone, so many people left to meet and love,
just so she could feel some relief, for the unending wave of memories
that haunted her night and day to finally end? It seemed too perfect…

//I sit in my chair
And filled with despair
There's no one could be so sad
With gloom everywhere
I sit and I stare
I know that I'll soon go mad//

She found her eyes drifted to the wicked glint of light on the blade
Buffy had left out when she came in. She rocked slowly, back and forth,
back and forth. Her eyes fixed on the blade. Her heart felt as if it
had
been split in two, right down the middle. The music held some sort of
comfort, the sorrowful voice filling the world that Willow had been
sucked into. Her eyes glazed over, she felt on the brink of something
drastic. She felt as if she was standing on the brink of a steep rock
face, about to fall off. She had to be going mad.
She got up and moved silently towards the place where the knife rested,
nothing but the light of the moon to guide her. She took it with as she
came to window, needing the light to make the perfect, swift gash that
needed to be made. The sweetly simple, divine tear of her flesh that
would end it all. She looked out at the moon and saw him, watching her.
She knew he’d done this before, she knew that he wanted her, if not for
her blood and place at the Slayer’s side then because he cared for her.
She snorted in disgust. Like anyone would care about her for long. It
couldn’t last. She couldn’t keep anyone’s interest, let alone the
beautiful vampires, for very long.
<Learn from the past, Willow> she told herself, raising the knife so
that he could see it in the moonlight. He knew what she was about to
do,
he wasn’t about to stop her. <Nothing good lasts>

//In my solitude
I'm afraid
Dear Lord above
Send back my love//

The knife tumbled to the floor with a soft thud, eliciting only a soft
moan from the sleeping woman. Blood seeped from the deep wounds she’d
inflicted upon herself, she watched it as it dripped ionto the carpet,
sinking in deep, never to come out. She sagged to her knees, weakness
taking over, her eyes closed briefly, her dying lips whispering his
name.
“Spike…” the sigh was soft, but not soft enough for him to miss it. His
heart shattered as he heard her heart cease it’s slowing rhythm, and he
let tears flow freely from his eyes, silver in the moonlight. He
crawled
down from the tree, feeling more empty, and more alone, than he ever
had. He moved aimlessly, no destination, no purpose, waiting
impatiently
for the sun to rise, and end his misery…
*********

The End