Believing Again

By Elka

Title: Believing Again
Author: Elka
Email: [email protected]
Rating: PG
Distribution: The regulars. Ask if you've got the wants.
Spoilers: General season four. Spike is still unbitey. And
Oz is gone.
Author's Notes: Something a little different. I've been in
a bit of a funk, but I can feel the block rising - on everything.
Not angst, more bittersweet.

-----

Willow ran her fingers over the worn leather volume. It was
stuffed with papers, yellowed with age. Loose scribblings and
scratches done in an intricate hand. She opened the cover,
careful of the cracked binding.

She drew in a breath with realisation. She had found Spike's
journal. It looked so old, she couldn't help but glance at
the first entry. It wasn't dated.

'Her smile. It's almost too much for me. I haven't felt this
way in ages. I can actually feel my heart beat.'

Willow's eyes widened. Was this from when he was alive? She
continued reading.

'It's like a cure for a ravaging disease, the way she looks
at me. I could go on forever about everything that makes her,
that composes this beautiful creature. She has this way of
making me feel whole, like something new every time I fall
under her gaze. Her quiet manner, the way she moves, so full
of grace and innocence. She doesn't know how much I love her,
how much I would give to be with her. I would kill a thousand
men and one more just to be in her company. Just to receive
a glance from those lovely eyes. I watch her, just to watch
her, just to be sure she really exists, she's not just a perfect
angel that I've created in my head to relieve the pain I feel
from being so alone in the world. Her presence moves me, so
strong, but not. I just want to hold her, protect her from
anything that could ever harm her. I'd give my life in a second.
Someone explain the mystery of her to me, give me a reson for
dedicated my every waking moment to preserving her every movement,
every thought, every breath...'

Willow set the book down, tears piercing her eyes. It couldn't
be the same Spike, so in love, so feeling. It seemed so natural
in a way.

The footsteps made her jump. She closed the book and shoved
it back in the drawer. She hurried out of the room, wiping
her eyes with the back of her hand.

Spike looked up as Willow moved into the room. He watched her
sit down, the glazed look in her eyes. He couldn't pull away.
He could think of nothing but her.

'Every movement, every thought, every breath...'

-----

'I need to feel her sweet flesh running over mine, sprinting
to the final destination. The place where the stars sing and
the sky is more brilliant than anything ever seen before. The
feel of her warm breath on my skin, crawling through my senses,
sending a shiver, even a tingle. Just something. I crave her
being. She's a puzzling mystery wrapped in an enigma caressed
by a shadow of the unknown. God, it's all too much sometimes.
How can I go on wearing this mask? I feel as if I'm at a masquerade,
but I'm the only one still hiding my face. Everyone else is
open about their identity, but mine is hidden, swallowed by
own fear...my own fear...my own fear.'

Willow pushed the book further out of sight, covering it with
a larger volume, not letting the rest of the group in on her
secret reading. She glanced at Spike, he sat, calmly scanning
the pages of text in front of him. His hand moved smoothly
as the page turned, she felt this crazyness inside of her.
An intense wanting to be that one, be that one that he loved
so much, that he wrote about so long ago. She held a sigh,
returning to the journal.

Spike felt the eyes on him, the knowing. He could sense the
pounding in her chest as she read on, revealing himself more
and more to her. He swallowed quickly, barely able to contain
the churning inside him. He wanted nothing more to reach out
to her, tell her everything. But he couldn't, not now, not
yet, he was rendered incapable by his own fear, his own fear,
his own fear...

-----
 

'All the thoughts possessed in my head are pacing wildly, madly,
like a crazy man locked in a room with nothing but himself
and a desire to be only free. I succumb to her presence like
a child, like Steinbeck's Lennie, I think of nothing more.
Nothing less. Never any less. She looked at me today. I melted.
I could feel everything inside mesh down into a sweet nothing,
an abyss of need and desire. The need is so strong, it penetrates
me. Stabs like ten thousand knives. So this is love? This is
it. This is all it is? An unbearably wonderful pain. Ah, but
the pleasures of pain pierce me in wonderful ways, in particular
spots that make me writhe and shudder, just imagining the next
encounter. The next chance to look upon her secretly. I ache.
I ache for her. It hurts...'

Willow put the book down, releasing the breath she had been
holding. This was the sixth time she had snuck into Spike's
room to read his journal, she'd been doing it for a little
over two weeks. She realised it was wrong, but she couldn't
pull herself away. She was magnetically drawn to his words,
the love he felt. She had tried to form a picture of what the
girl must have looked like in her mind, but couldn't fathom
such a person as lucky as the described to be with Spike. She
shook her head. Willow knew she was falling for him, but knew
she had to keep her feelings to herself. Forever.

She read the same line over and over. Unable to fathom such
a feeling.

'So this is love?'

-----
 

Title: Believing Again
Author: Elka
Email: [email protected]
Rating: PG
Part: 4 of ?
Disclaimer: Joss is the wind beneath my wings. Jewel's 'Jupiter
(Swallow the Moon)' is vaguely mentioned.
Distribution: The regulars. Ask if you've got the wants.
Spoilers: General season four. Spike is still unbitey. And
Oz is gone.
Author's Notes: Men, take heed. These are things women DO want
to hear. You might want to even jot down a few notes.

-----

'What would I say if I recieved the chance to speak the truth?
Only the truth. Would I confess my love outright? Would I remind
her that things are not always as they appear. Sometimes I'm
simply a sheep in wolf's clothing. I wear this skin as a protection,
not a necessity. I wish I could be her shield, never allow
anything but pure joy and happiness to enter her life. Let
her be safe from pain, anguish, and hurt. Seeing her in any
state but that of unbroken pleasure, hurts me, it rips me apart
like nothing else in this world ever could. Time runs short.
Promises have been made and changes are approaching. Goodbyes
are inevitable. Heartache is certain. What will I ever do without
her in my universe? Her entire being is my night sky. A stunning
arrangement of blinding contrast. The pitch black darkness
sprinkled with glowing stars. Everytime my eyes fall upon her,
I see nothing but a beautiful creature who looks as if she
has swallowed the moon and the light is radiating from her.
For I am her Jupiter.'

The metaphors dumbfounded Willow as she stared at the beautiful
words. They almost always brought tears to her eyes. The beginning
had started as just that, as a beginning. A discovery, almost
a rekindling of less intense feelings. It evolved into a symphony
of love, not lust, pure love. Then notes of sadness slowly
crept in, knocking quietly at the door, then barging in, reminding
him of the goodbye he must, but was pained to say. Willow wanted
nothing more then to have that love directed toward her, she
could feel the dull ache caused by her wanting.. She turned
the page, reading on.

Spike pushed himself further into the shadows of the dark hallway,
arms crossed over his chest. Seeing Willow read his words was
like a dream, something he had been sent to this little earth
to watch. The love, the understanding, all in her eyes, was
too much. But he couldn't say anything, he could only wait.

-----
The weeks passed quickly, three of them, as Willow neared the
end of the journal, she felt the strings of her heart tug.

'A song. Touches my heart like only she can. Describes everything
with such random clarity that comes along so very rarely. I
see trees of green, red roses, too. I see them bloom for me
and you. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.'

Willow stopped. So familiar.

'I see skies of blue and clouds of white. The bright blessed
day, the dark sacred night. And I think to myself, what a wonderful
world. The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky. Are
also on the faces of people going by. I see friends shaking
hands, saying how do you do? They're really saying I love you.
I hear babies crying, I watch them grow. They'll learn much
more than I'll ever know. And I think to myself, what a wonderful
world. It describes her. Such accuracy captures her radiance
clearer than I ever could. Friends shaking hands, saying how
do you do? They're really saying I love you. Still, I hide,
unable to reveal myself. There's a whole about me she has yet
to discover, one that would suprise her, but it will never
be. An enemy has restored me. I am who I once was, but I am
still who I am now. I'm so tired from all the emotion, it's
stresses upon me like a yoke. I must leave as promised. I must
say goodbye. The hardest thing I'll ever have to do. And I
must do it with passive nonchalance. It breakes me up inside,
but remember her face will turn dark sacred nights to bright
blessed days in my heart. The words, the music, captures, captures.
Simply captures.'

He had to leave her. Willow felt a twinge. She wanted so much
to rush into the other room and wrap her arms around Spike.
To hold him and never let go.

She knew that song, she couldn't place it.

His footsteps approached in the hallway, she quickly hid the
book and stood. He walked by, not glancing her way. He hummed
a familiar tune as he walked by.

'And I think to myself, what a wonderful world...'

-----

Spike slowly packed his things in the large duffel. He had
promised the Slayer that as soon as the implant had been deactivated,
he would leave. It pained him to go, but if he didn't, dust
he would most certainly become.

Sketches of Willow, drawn quickly and intricately were folded
and gently placed in his luggage. Little things of hers he
had collected over the past two months, a hair ribbon, a scratch
of paper she had doodled on, a pen she had chewed meticulously
before throwing it out. He cherished the items, always would.

The leather volume rested innocently on the bed, it had been
his connection to her, provided him with a reason to live when
he laid awake at night, wondering why being alive in this condition
was necessary. It was almost full, the pages worn from his
scratching confessions.

Yet, there was one more entry to write.
******
-----

Something was happening. She could feel it. Willow knew there
was something different. The stiff looks shared between Buffy,
Spike, and Giles as the entire group sat down to research as
accustomed. She was almost finished with Spike's journal and
had to know if he got the girl.

She slipped into his room, almost hitting herself from the
lame excuse she had given her friends to get away. But there
it was, hidden under the pillow. She opened the cover, moving
quickly to the last page.

'This is all I have. And it's all for you. My soul flows dry,
my voice gone from the screams, heart run down from the constant
beating. The stars encourage me, they sing to me in a unified
voice. The time has come. And I now know I was wrong. About
everything. Love isn't brains, it's heart. Even one that doesn't
beat.'

Willow's eyes widen. Unbeating heart...

'It screams inside of you to work it's will, until you come
to the point where you can't and it breaks you apart. You can
do nothing but turn away, grasping memories, whatever you have
left. I'm leaving. No other way to put it. What will she say?
What will she do? Are these questions I ask myself every second
of every day? Every waking moment, every time my eyes blink
and I stare into those beautiful eyes? Of course. I didn't
do it my way. If it were up to me, I'd be here, forever holding
her, touching her, just being in her presence. But my exit
is due.'

Willow finally noticed the packed bags sitting at the foot
of the bed. She glanced back at the text, the realisation shooting
through her, the light tears stained her cheeks.

'I love you, Willow. Have longer then I ever wanted to admit,
even to myself. All this, all the words, the thoughts, the
images. For you. You're the stars, the sky, the moon, an angel.
You make me believe again. And that's all I can say. There
are no more words, only a heart that refuses to beat but is
dedicated solely to you.'

She raised a shaking hand to her mouth.

'I promised the Slayer that as soon as the implant was deactiviated,
I'd take the first metaphorical train out of Sunnydale and
never return. And I was to tell no one but the Watcher I was
going. Don't think it doesn't almost kill me having to leave.
You were never supposed to read this, I was careless, but I
thank the gods for making me so unaware of my actions, seeing
your face, the understanding, the joy, makes me...for once,
I can't describe it. But it's there. I can feel it. Leaving
will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. This is the
only goodbye I'll be able to give you, the next time you look
up, I'll be gone and forever will pass on as it always has
and always will. You'll be with me always. How does one say
goodbye after two months of laying one's soul out for their
true love to inspect? No, leaving won't be easy...'

Willow felt the sob erupt in her throat. The love, the emotions,
all for her. She couldn't even comprehend such a possibillity
but it fit. It made sense and now she hated the situation more
than anything in the world. She wanted to be with him. To love
him.

She read the last line again.

'No, leaving won't be easy...'

The page turned under dreading fingers, the last page revealed
to her.

-----
'Yes, parting is such sweet sorrow. He was wrong in that though,
parting is a bitter demise for those in love. It tears and
rips and pulls the strings of a aching heart.'

Willow nodded, agreeing with the words.

'Which is why I'm not going to do it.'

She drew in a sharp breath.

"That's right, luv."

She looked up sharply. Spike, standing in the doorway, held
a single red rose between two fingers.

"You make me believe again."

-----

The End