Super
By Elka
Title: Super
Author: Elka
Email: [email protected]
Post Date: 30-12-99
Rating: PG13
Part: 1 of ?
Distribution: The regulars.
Disclaimer: Joss is the twinkle
of my eye.
Spoilers: Season four. Spike is
unbitey. I also touch on a
few bits from rumours of upcoming
episodes.
Feedback: I'll give you a cookie.
Author's Notes: My other half: I
thought of this when you wouldn't
let me go to sleep last night. Snigger.
The rest of you? What
can I say? I'm already going insane
from writing just sap and
silly. Here are more sillies. All
about Spike.
-----
"What's he doing?"
"Looks like he's just sitting."
"Just sitting? Can he do that?"
"Why not? It's a free country.
Even though, I'm not sure if
our laws protect British vampires."
"Does he look sad to you?"
"Can he be sad? I mean he looks kind of broody. Like Deadboy."
Willow and Xander stared at
Spike. He just gazed into space,
a dejected look on his face,
unmoving, simply sitting.
"Do vamps die from natural
causes?" Xander waved a hand in
front of his face, Spike didn't
blink an eye.
"I don't think so."
"This is all quite unsettling.
I mean no mean jokes or insults.
He hasn't whined or complained
for his dinner."
"I know. And when I came? He
wasn't even fighting with Buffy.
It's bizarre."
"You don't think we're back
in Bizarro World and Spike is a
harmless kitten, do you?"
Willow shook her head. "I don't think so."
"Maybe we should call Giles.
This is giving me the wiggs."
Xander crossed the room, reaching
for the phone.
"Don't." Spike stopped him.
"Spike?" Willow kneeled in
front of him. "Is everything alright?
Did something happen? With
the commandos?"
"No." He shook his head slightly.
"I've had enough. I can't
live like this. Not being
able to hunt, to eat, to kill. It
isn't natural. They've taken
me out of my natural environment.
Everything I know is gone."
Her eyes connected with his. "We'll fix it. Buffy's trying."
"What does she care?" He sighed,
pulling himself to his feet.
"Don't worry about it. The
one thing I want most in the world,
I can't have."
Spike turned to leave. He paused,
glancing back at Willow.
"You understand that."
He left, slipping into the
spare bedroom in the back of the
house and shutting the door
behind him.
"That was happy time." Xander
commented, setting the phone
back on the receiver.
"We need to do something."
Willow said from her place on the
floor. "Why couldn't we fix
him? With a spell?"
"Uhh, Will, remember what happened
last time you tried a spell?
Buffy and Spike's wedding
bells are still ringing in my ears."
"Not a big spell. A little
one that we can do here. I know
a 'Wanting' spell. It wears
off in a couple of hours and it
just gives the person what
they want most."
"You mean give Spike the opportunity
to kill us? Sure. I'm
in. My neck has been too much
in one piece lately." Xander
rolled his eyes doubtfully.
"No." She insisted, growing
excited with the plan. "Just enough
to reassure him that he's
still the same bad old Spike that
everyone hates and fears.
He deserves a pick-me-up."
Xander sighed. "What are the odds that you won't do this anyway?"
"Slim to none."
He relented with a wave of the hand. "So mote it be."
-----
"Don't eat that, Xander."
"Why not?" He asked guiltily.
"What exactly does 'Frogs Droppings'
tell you about the stuff?
Edible or not?"
"Well, I didn't catch that part."
Willow pointed at the label.
"Good thinking." She glanced down
the hall. "Now, let's get
this done before he comes back."
"I still don't understand why
we're going to give him his teeth
back. He's just going to bite
us."
She looked thoughtful. "I don't think so."
Xander rubbed his palms together. "What's first?"
She quickly mixed together
several things, handing him a vial
of blue liquid. "Hold this.
When I nod, pour it in that bowl
over there."
"Wait!" Xander held up a hand.
"Now, you're sure this will
work right? And it'll wear
off?"
"Yes." Willow nodded. "I'm positive. Okay, shush."
She closed her eyes, face clouded
over with concentration.
She took a deep breath and
began to chant.
"Do this, great powers of dark,
Full circle, square, then
thou arc.
Give what thy most desires,
Before thy burning heart expires."
Willow nodded, reopening her
eyes. Xander did as he was told.
They watched the results of
the mixture.
Nothing.
After a few moments, Xander spoke quietly, apprehensively.
"Did it work?"
Willow shrugged. "I guess not.
These things are funny. We tried,
right? Wouldn't that appease
the gods?"
Before Xander could answer,
the two heard an electrifying shout
from the next room. They quickly
looked up.
Spike charged down the hall,
leaping on to the back of the
sofa, smiling widely, he punched
the air definitively. He stood
proudly before them.
Willow and Xander exchanged a look of confusion.
"Spike?" She asked. "Did you get your teeth back?"
"Teeth!" He exclaimed in a
booming voice. "Who needs teeth?
For I am Super Spike!"
Beat.
"Super Spike?" Xander swallowed.
The vampire climbed off the
couch. "Well, I'm working on that
bit, but every superhero has
to have a catchy call name, right?"
Willow winced. "Uh..."
Xander glanced at her askance. "What?"
"Oops."
-----
"Willow. We need to fix this."
Xander eyed Spike. "I don't
know how pleased Giles would
be if..."
The vampire pushed himself
off the back of a chair, another
failed attempt at flying.
He crashed face first into the carpet.
"...he found Super Vamp over
here trying to save the shag rug
from certain demise."
Willow scanned the pages quickly.
"I'm trying. I'm not sure
what went wrong. All I can
think is that being a superhero
is what he wanted most in
the world."
"If you can call it that."
Xander reached behind him,
pulling the pillow from his back,
he tossed it to the floor.
Spike flung himself over the
coffee table catching the cushion
before it fell. He held it
over his head as if he had saved
it from burning lava. Slowly,
he stood, glaring at Xander.
"You have done this pillow
great harm. It was a good thing
I was here." He jumped on
the small table to expound. "The
viciousness and cruelty of
some human begins have caused all
these injustices."
"Right." Xander agreed halfheartedly.
"I'll be sure to remember
that in the future, when dealing
with...pillows."
Spike climbed off the table,
walking around the room as if
he were making rounds. Sniffing
out danger and looking for
any problems he could solve.
"Redhead." He addressed in
a gruff voice. "I will need a uniform.
I'm afraid these clothes are
unsuitable for fighting evil."
Xander rolled his eyes. "What are we going to do?"
Willow shrugged. "Get him a uniform?"
-----
Willow sighed. She and Xander
had been searching through Giles'
books for hours looking for
a reversal to Spike's spell, it
didn't seem to exist. She
set the soda bottle down, reaching
for a straw. She twisted it
in her fingers thoughtfully above
the glass.
"Nooo!"
Willow jumped at the sound,
she froze as she saw Spike lunging
at her. He snapped the straws
from her fingers.
"Hello?" He asked. Something
he had picked up from his time
with Buffy. "Were you thinking
about drowning this innocent
straw?"
"Drowning?" She repeated.
"How would you like it if someone
plunged your body into a
sea of cola, then selfishly
used you as a vessel for refreshment."
Spike shook his head. "Honestly,
the audacity of some people.
Breaks my heart."
"Heart?"
Spike's head snapped up as
the front door opened. He stood
menacingly as Buffy closed
the door. She looked up, almost
losing herself when she saw
him.
"Are you wearing tights?"
"Halt!" He shouted. "Who goes there?"
Buffy gaped at him. "Are you
wearing tights?" She managed,
not sure whether to laugh
or...laugh.
The Slayer looked him up and
down. Her worst enemy stood before
her in black tights and some
sort of leotard. A long beach
towel was pinned to his shoulders.
"Are you friend or foe?" Spike glared at her.
"It's Buffy. She's clean."
Xander interjected. "And, uh, Spike,
I think I saw a piece of lint
floating toward the radiator
in the other room. Might want
to check that out."
The vampire took one more glance
at Buffy. "I will go. Only
because it is my job to save
all those in danger." He bounded
out of the room, fist heading
the way, head bent down for speed.
Buffy stared after him.
"What the hell?"
-----
-----
Willow and Xander avoided Buffy's stare guiltily.
"What'd you two do?"
Willow sighed. "We tried a
spell to give Spike what he wanted
most in the world..."
"What??"
"...because he was so depressed.
But it seems that what he
wants most in the world
is to be a superhero."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "And
you can't find a way to reverse
it?"
"Isn't that the way the plot always goes?" Xander put in.
The Slayer glanced down the
hallway, hearing an excited cry
from Spike.
"Look. I can't stay. I have
to go. Giles is going to be back
tomorrow. Can you guys try
to fix this?" She turned to leave.
"And can you try to keep an
eye on him? I don't need him out
on the streets being Fangs
America."
"Sure." Xander nodded.
Buffy left shaking her head.
Spike marched back into the living room as the door was closing.
"I have made it safe for all
lint making it's home in this
apartment." He announced.
"And I assured all of them they would
be protected from now on."
He adjusted his cape and sat down
on the couch. "The life of
a superhero..."
"Idea?" Xander asked himself.
"Hey, Spike. How about we have
a talk, hmm?"
"Talk? Is there danger Kid Chubs?" Spike leaned forward intently.
"Chubs?" Xander looked at Willow
worriedly. "Am I chubby in
any way?"
"Focus." She warned.
"How about this?" He asked Spike. "You're not really a superhero."
Spike nodded, waiting for him to continue.
"You're Spike. The vampire.
You know bloodlust, grr, let's
go maim someone. Got that?"
"Sure, mate."
"And you're not here to save
the world. You're here to end
it. So no more superhero,
okay?" Xander nodded slowly. "Understand?"
"Of course I understand." He stood.
"For I am Super Spike."
Willow and Xander sighed.
-----
-----
Spike shot up on the couch.
Willow and Xander had managed to
calm him down for all of thirty
seconds, but he was off again.
"I sense evil." He declared.
"You are evil." Xander pointed out.
"Is it impending doom?" Willow asked tiredly?
"No." He sniffed the air. "I
have to pee." He ran out of the
room.
Xander sunk back into a chair.
"I didn't even know vampires
could pee."
"Maybe we should just wait for Giles to get back."
"I'm not sleeping with Captain
Vamp on the loose. He might
try to save me from my blanket.
Like it's trying to smother
me."
"Shh. Here he comes."
"Who cares? He's insane."
"What is this?" Spike demanded angrily.
They both glanced up. He was
holding a bar of soap in one hand,
glaring at them.
"Soap?" Xander tried.
"Good guess, Chubs. But no,
this is soap that has had it's
civil rights violated simply
because it is soap. Instead of
getting equal opportunities
like you and I, it's used only
to cleanse your dirty hands."
Spike shook his head, all worked
up from the pain he felt from
the soap. He turned, walking
slowly back to the bathroom.
"Did you use it?" Xander called
after him hopefully. He glanced
back at Willow.
"Foolproof spell, eh?"
"Well." She said, unable to
hide a smile. "On the upside, he's
making the world a safer place
for lint. One apartment at a
time."
-----
-----
Willow looked up from the stack of books on her lap.
"Where's Spike?"
"What?"
"Spike. Super Spike. Whatever. Where is he?"
Xander shrugged. "Who knows?
Probably freeing persecuted shampoo
somewhere."
"You're supposed to keep an eye..."
Spike crawled across the floor.
"...on him."
Xander glanced down tiredly. "What's up Spike?"
"I'm on a mission." He whispered.
Xander nodded. "Very stealthy. What's the problem?"
"Toasters."
"Yes. I was worrying about that myself."
Spike rocked back on his heels.
"It's worse than I thought.
Which way did the evil toaster
go?"
"That way." Xander pointed vaguely.
"Thanks, mate. If something
happens to me, you'll take over
right? You'll battle on even
after my demise?"
"Sure. No prob."
Willow went back to her book.
The apartment was silent for
a few minutes as the two read,
desperately searching for something
to end the madness.
They weren't totally surprised
when Giles' toaster flew past
them and out the window.
Spike stepped back in the room, dusting his tights off.
"I have done justice to the persecuted toasters."
"Hope Giles doesn't feel like toast." Xander commented.
Willow snapped the book shut.
"Nothing. What are we going to
do about him?"
"I'll run to the magic shop.
See if they know anything. Are
you alright alone with him
for a little while? You know how
to defend yourself against
flying appliances?" He stood.
Willow headed for the kitchen
as Xander left. Spike followed
her curiously.
"Something wrong, my pet?"
"Nothing I'm sure you can't
fix." She said with a sigh. She
glanced in Giles' sink. "Leave
it to Xander to pile up a sink
full of dirty dishes."
Willow turned on the water,
letting the hot steam billow up.
She reached for the sponge
and the first dish.
Spike grabbed her off her feet, pulling her into the next room.
She screeched in his ear, struggling
to pull away from his
strong arms.
"Spike! What are you doing?"
He stood over her. "There's something I must do."
"What?" She cried, eyes wide.
"Have sex with you. All great
superheroes have wonderful sex
lives." Spike explained patiently.
"Oh, goddess."
-----
-----
Willow looked at him. "What?"
Spike stopped. "What?"
"Did you say sex?" She choked back a laugh.
"Yes." He nodded assertively.
"I must fulfill my duty as a
superhero..."
"Superhero's don't have sex." She interrupted.
"What? They must."
"Oh, but they really don't.
Clark Kent. Look at him? You think
he got his thing on in that
phone booth?"
Confusion crossed over Spike's face. "I don't understand."
"I do." Willow almost passed out from relief. "No sex."
He was angered. He snapped
her up by the shoulders. "Are you
sure?" Spike growled.
She nodded shakily. "Y-yes."
He relaxed. "Okay. I will trust your judgement, Witch."
-----
"Willow. You okay? You look
like you've seen a ghost?" Buffy
rushed in Giles' apartment.
Willow held up a hand. "I'm
fine. Narrowly escaped an encounter
with Spike."
"Is he still Go, Go Super Spike?"
"Yeah."
"What? Were you attacked by a chair?"
She shook her head. "No. He wanted to have sex with me."
"But he didn't?"
"No. He's a superhero. He's too busy."
Buffy nodded slowly. "You've been here too long."
Giles burst in the apartment, followed closely by Xander.
"Where's the emergency?" The
Watcher cried. "Willow, Buffy,
are you both alright?"
"Sure." Willow answered casually. "Why back so soon?"
"Xander called me saying there was a problem."
Willow rolled her eyes. "Xander..."
"What?" He challenged. "Wills,
he yelled at us because we disrespected
the television. I had to hug
it. Do you remember?"
"Disrespected the television? Has he gone mad?"
"He's gone super." Buffy interjected. "He thinks he's a superhero."
Giles looked at Willow. "Have you done a spell?"
"Yes. I did a Wanting spell.
I thought it would wear off. But
we can't find a reversal."
Giles sighed. "I think I have a reversal. Let me see him, though."
Willow led Giles up the stairs.
"You don't have a problem with
men in tights, do you?"
"Tights?"
Spike was in Giles' room, looking
appreciatively around the
room. Pleased with his handiwork.
Willow swallowed. She took in all the shards of material.
"Spike? What have you done?"
She asked calmly, not wanting
to look at a shocked Giles.
"I have saved this dear, old man from a horrible injustice.
"Those are my best sweaters." Giles managed.
"No." Spike assured him. "They
were unsafe. Nobody should be
subjected to such things.
They're hideousness made it clear
that they most be destroyed."
Giles removed his glasses. "Time for a reversal spell."
-----